Day 21

 19.06pm

Wednesday, 9 Dec 2020

Today isn't bad day at all, I wake at 7.30am after that I cleaned the store by my self and because I not cleaning the store for one week so it's very dirty after that mama told me to be ready for you know the Pilkada things.. I really lazy actually I mean I don't know who I want to choose and I don't want to know either.. they just a bunch a people who loves talk bullshit so I never have interest to know them but mama told me to choose number 3 and I just yeah  whatever, we went there in the morning but because we didn't have the invitation cards so we can't choose at that time and we can choose at 12 and omg I'm so annoyed with that, so when mama and I back to home we directly open the store, and at 12 we came back and finally can choose. 

me being alone and bored

when we came back to home I stayed in store alone and mba iyun didn't want to came to the store so yeah.. I also texted mayang and we talked about BTS and I found out that she's sick I mean she just have some throat pain or something like that.. I'd miss her, I really want to hangout every night but I guess we just can't anymore but it's nice to talk with her again and today I felt the time went so quickly, and at 3pm I closed the store and I cooked macaroni, after that I just stay in the store and scroll my social media and when I looked the clock it's already 5pm so I took a bath and I also wash my clothes.. and now I don't know what I'm going to do, so I just write my blog for today entry.. now I'm in the store because I have to upload this blog.. I prefer to write at my bed but I run out my kuota and mba ima don't want to give me.. earlier when I came to the store kak bili also came downstairs I think he also want to use the Wifi but he seem so upset because his laptop doesn't work or I don't know he kept scream and babbling to his laptop hahaha.. but now he's okay I guess. After this I want to watch some movies, play some game and also study for a while and tonight I'll also try to sleep early.. tomorrow I'll fasting and I guess I'll go to pluto tomorrow because I already watch all my movies well I hope tomorrow I really go to pluto not just a plan hahaha. okay so have a good day!😀

Song of the day

I swear I'll never leave again by Keshi

yosh

Day 20

 23.32pm

Tue, 8 December 2020

Today I wake at 10am actually I kept wake every time my alarm on which is at 5, 6, and 7am but because I don't want to wake I kept turned them off and back to sleep again hahaha then at the end I wake at 10 and right after I wake mba ima called me and she told me to open the store, then I hurried to open the store even I didn't take a bath because I'm too lazy. When I went downstairs I directly open the store and kak bili also companied me.. he also cleaned the dished, I don't really care where mba iyun was and what she doing.. kak bili breakfast with noddle this morning and also mba iyun.. I did hungry but I kept hold it and I also don't want to eat noddle again, I'm afraid my stomatch will hurt again if I ate that. after that at 1pm kak bili already went to upstairs mba iyun asked me when will I close the store because her friend want to came, yes that boy from last night.. I told her I want to close at 3 and she should company me but then her friend came and they went upstairs so I'm alone agin.

I called mba ima because I felt so hungry and she asked me if I want to go to the mart and she'll transer some money but I said no to her, and I just ate banana, not long after that there's guest and I totally surprise because mama isn't home and she didn't called me but then that guest said mama will come in a moment, and he's true.. not long after that mama came home.. 

after that I tried to take a nap but I can't, mama room is full of mosquitos and I don't want to go to upstairs because mba iyun and her friend already took that place.. then I just played some game after that I close the store at 5pm..

at 7pm I cooked nasi goreng because mama told me to, and I ate that with mama and we left some for kak bili and mba iyun and I'm so happy because mama told me that it's really good, and I also helped mama do the dishes.. I want to do the dishes but mama refuse and she said it's more faster if she's the one who did it so yeahh I just help her put the plate and stuff to their place and after that  I did my work out after I didn't do it for 3 or 4 days I think and kak bili asked me if I serious want to work out at 7pm hahaha.. I just felt my body isn't feel so well so I decide to work out again and beside of that.. the soap that mba ima bought for me yesterday came this noon so I really want to use it so bad because I think the smell is so good so after I did my workout I took a bath and I really like the soap.. the smell is really good.. 

now I just chilling out and write my journal after this I planning to study for a while then I'll try to sleep.. because mama is in home right now so I can't oversleep tomorrow..

Song of the day

Epiphany by Taylor Swift

Day 19

 11.59

Monday, 7 December 2020

Last night I slept at 3am while listen to Podcast and I did set my alarm for 5, 6, also 7am but none of them wake me up so I overslept today, I wake at 12 that's because mama called me, she said there's people from Laskar want to come so she told me to open the store. I felt dumb and angry because I wake so late, kak bili and mba iyun didn't wake me up.. when I went to store kak bili already on that cashier table and I remember that today he had a final test that's why he's so busy when I went to kitchen then I saw all the dishes already clean I hope mba iyun who cleaned the dishes because if it's kak bili I don't know I just felt bad for him and when I went to mama room I shocked because mba iyun still there, I thought she already left beause last night she told me that she want to go somewhere in this morning but she still on her shirt and played her phone.. I mean if she's not going anywhere she should opem the store or at least wake me up. After that I don't know what to do, I want to open the store but kak bili face is so serious and I'm afraid if I open the store the sound from outside.. the vehicle they're so loud and the worst scenario is when there's some costumers even at this time rarely people entering the store but still.. I really confuse and I decide to not open the store then not long after that I heard some people want to open the door and I just knew that they're the people from Laskar and they can't open the door because it's locked from inside and none of us know about that, kak bili hurried brings back the fan that he use because that fan belongs to the Laskar office at upstairs and once I realize they took so long to open the door then I took the key and open the other entrance door and while I open it I heard one of them said '' we can't enter because it's locked form the inside'' with mocking tone so I just answered him like, '' yes, we don't open the store because one of us have to focus and we don't know if the door were locked from the inside'' and he just shocked because I heard what he's said and after tat he just grated me and smiled.. like omg if they're not help mama maybe I'll just throw them away or ignore them.. but back to the old me suddenly I felt guilt I don't know why and for what I felt that.. maybe I felt bad to kak bili he had to be in this situation and I felt bad for people from Laskar because I gave them bad impression, so I just went to the kitchen and made them coffee and after that I gave it to them I also took my fan from my room and bring it downstairs for kak bili and mba iyun isn't help at all I mean when I felt that feeling she just stand in front of mirror and fixing her hair, her face and when I told me that she want to go.. I don't know what to say anymore I even can't mad anymore... I really want to tell my bad day and what I felt to someone but I can't, I want to tell this to mba ima but I change my mind.. I just know if I told this to mba ima she would blame me why I didn't wake in the morning, why I didn't open the store she'll blame me...

Today I really have to keep my temprament down because I'm Fasting today, I thought kak bili also fasting but nah just me.. 

and at noon I had a serious that with kak bili we talked a lot of things but mostly we talked about mba iyun, about mba ima also about mama and well many things and I felt so grateful for that kak bili want talk with me about this kind of topic and at 7 mba iyun came home but she bring a 'boy' and mba iyun introduce him to me she said he's also from YP and the leader of EC at out school but I don't care at all and I don't like it really.. me and kak bili stayed at the store and watch YouTube while mba iyun and her friend upstairs and that boy just back from our home at 9 I guess.. then right now I'll try to sleep and try to not wake up late tomorrow.

Day 18

 11.59pm

Sunday, 15 Nov 2020

Today is really a definition of a bad day, I wake up a little bit late and that cause so much trouble I mean it really, because I wake late and mama hasn't come home yet so there's no vegetables and she so freak out about that, and because of that she asked kak bili to market with her then she felt pain on her back and when I came to the kitchen I helped her but she keep babbling and because we run out the flour her food became now what she want then I told her to get a rest, kak bili even told her to get rest.. and not a while after that the bad dream became real.. she got sick again and she kept calling me and I don't have any idea what I'm going to do because I also confuse as hell and she kept scream at me about the pain she felt because I don't know what to do so I called mama and asked her, she said just compress her back with hot water so I did that.. mba iyun even don't want to know about this so she left the house and of course I don't want burdensome kak bili, so I just yeah... then after 2 hours she back to normal, then I told her to just rest for the whole day. 

after the drama since morning at night I just waited my result from the test yesterday, and also mayang didn't came today, there's no call or text from her.. she just disappear.. but I felt relief too that she didn't came today because I already have so much drama today and right now I just want to be alone and waiting my final result.. and when 7pm finally my score came out and as I predict my score for structure is really bad, I ranked at 82th from 400+ and I got 457 for my toefl predict.. 

 

Day 17

11.59pm

Saturday, 14 Nov 2020

This gonna be a short entry because I did nothing today, since morning I just wait for the test and I did study a bit and then I prepare for the test.. the test is pretty hard I mean the Structure section is so hard I barely can't understand all of that and they have just 40 question while the other section are having 50 question, so I only focus on listening and reading section, the time really went so quick while I do that test I even have pick a random answer for number 45-50 at listening section because I run out the time.

after that I submitted the answer, they told us that the result will they show tomorrow at 7pm, and I can't wait for that.

after the test I did nothing and at night like my usual routine I only played my phone, I really wanted ignore my IG because I can predict that there's so many of them made Insta Story or even posted a pic from Cia birthday, but then I accidentally open one of them.. and it really made me sad, also after that they made an album in our group at Line and of course.. I saw it, and I felt more sad maybe more like jealous they all looked so good and happy, while me the opposite.. I know I behave like a child right now I mean of course they did nothing wrong they just living their life and having a good time, maybe it's like what I said before I jealous of them.

and now I'm tying to get sleep and forgetting all of this, because this thing is making me more sad so yeah.. 

day 16

 9.19pm

friday, 13 Nov 2020

Today I wake up at 7 and when I want to start my day I did my morning routine and when I went to bathroom I saw a blood on my underwear that means I got my period again this month, last time I got my period is last March and in this November I got again so yeah I was so happy, I really wanted normal like the other girls.

And also when I want to clean my room kak billy came and aske me to came with him to the market because he don't know where the market was, and mbah really wanted ikan lele since yesterday and she won't shut up about it until she get it so rather than we got scolded by her so we decide bought it. I went to the market with kak billy and we rode a motorcycle and OMG when we stopped in red light suddenly the machine died and we both so confuse and I felt so shame and there's too many people there so I directly get down from that thing, and kak bily have to bring that motor to the side of the road, and suddenly the machine on again and we went to the market. Not many stuff we bought because we just have a little money, so we just bought ikan lele and kak bili want an avocado. After I came home I directly went upstairs and instead of work out I Wash my clothes and I sweating a lot, then I opened the store and I also practice my violin I also copied sheet music and I write them on my music book, I practice Jingle bells since yesterday and I hope soon I can play that song.

FYI, I almost finish write this but when I wrote suddenly the Apps close by it self, and now I have to write again, I even forget what I'm going to write.

Okay so, mba iyun is moody today she's always angry even because small things, I remember I open the store, clean the table and clean everything in front of her and she did nothing even she yelled at me because I told her to stop shaking her feet because it makes the table shaking too, I mean I'm okay with that but at that time I made the sheet music and it was so hard to write with shaking table, at 12pm she just left me and went to nap so I was alone in the store, at 3pm I really want to close the store because I was so sleepy but mama told me this morning that there's people want to bring stuff for the office, the Laskar things, so I had to waited for them and they came at 4! so I close the store at 5pm.

Today I also texted mayang and told her to come tomorrow but she can't because Cia already invited her to her birthday party, Well I said okay, let's just come anytime you can.. and she offer she'll come at sunday and I agree of that, then I remember that tomorrow is Cia birthday.. I just felt sad because she didn't invite all of us remembering that she always invite us every year since 3 years ago well.. maybe she had a reason, but yes I indeed felt sad but I just tried to let it slip away.. maybe I'm is one of person that isn't in their circle if you know what I mean.

and also today I felt weird, I felt cramps on my stomach because my period I never felt this before so this one kinda bad it's not hurt so much but the uncomfortable is made me felt bad and also my body start to itchy because my allergic so I had to drank my pills, I don't get it I'm not eat eggs or chicken or something but my body began to show the symptoms like the red mark and the itchy I hope tomorrow i they'll gone. 

I also want to study because tomorrow I'll have a TOEFL PREDIICTION Test but I just can't focus now so maybe I'll just sleep right now and study tomorrow, I'll start the Test at 2 until 4pm tomorrow so wish me luck. 

Day 15

 12.00am

Thurs, 12 Nov 2020

Well today is suck! I thought that I'll be able to continue my study again and I really have a big hope about it because two weeks ago I'm 100% sure want to back to college and mrs caca ask me to go back and she said that I still can continue my study so I'm really happy and I start to arrange it and since a week ago I take care of it I mean everyday I came to campus to do things so I can quickly start to entering a class, I had to wait for hours to delivery my letter, deal with rude person, spent money for ride Gojek, came in the morning when poured rain, and today my letter finally got a respond and they approve my letter and I was so happy at first, so I came to campus to pay half of the bills because mama only have half of it and she's in Bandung right now, but then all of them goes wrong.. everything goes wrong.. I don't want to talk about it in detail because it made me so sad I mean I got some bad word from the lecturer who in charge of the bills and it made me so offended, and I came to I.O to talk to mrs caca but what she also can't help me again and she told me to comeback next year and become a new student and start from beginning again. I don't know how to describe it anymore and I don't want, they gave me a hope at first and I was so happy but now they just.. and all of that because I can't pay the bills fully today. I don't want to said it to mama today at least until she come home, I want she's focus doing her stuff there. and this more worse because mba iyun she'll not came about me and all about this, also kak billy always talked about his collage life and I always sees him yknow study, working his assignment and do zoom meeting or whatever it is.. I mean I'm so jealous about it. I'm so done with Darmajaya even I have to start from beginning next year I'll search new campus I don't want to be there again.

I came 7am this morning with nice mood I even got cheer message from mama and it made me so happy I meant she never be on my side so that little and short message is lifted my mood even the weather is so cold and I got caught in a rain a little bit this message warm my heart, and now I feel so sorry to mama and papa I once again disappointed them, I even don't dare to tell papa about this. Aside from all of this I also angry with my self, I don't know what I'm going to do anymore, in the end I don't feel anything again and directly went to home after know I can't continue my study. When I'm in home I called mba ima and we talked for like two hours, she told me to try entering CPNS next year and also join an open University and I just said yes to her because I don't know what else I'm going to say, because I know she probably also disappointed with me, well maybe I'll just have to try more harder and maybe Darmajaya also not the best for me.

I tried to forgot my sadness so I ordered kebab and ate it with mba iyun also kak billy, mba iyun also ordered Chatime for us and she treat us.. she said she got the money from she do the joki things you know work other people assignment and the she got paid, but because of that she want to take a picture of us showing the boba as her "hardwork'' and at first I refuse because I just wore a daster but she said she wont uploaded it so yeah..

Tomorrow I'll try become more productive and make myself better even I just do a little things but at least I do something. Okay that's all for today and I'll not forgetting this day, definitely! 

Quote of the day

'' Sometime solution aren't so simple, sometime goodbye the only way''

Song of the day

Shadow of the day by Linkin Park